SUMMER VACATION!!!!!

So.....

I don't know how long it has been since I took a whole week off from work, but as of about 5:00 p.m. yesterday I began an actual vacation. It just so happens that my vacation coincides with Joanna's (funny that) so we will be enjoying a whole week of fun/together time that hopefully won't culminate in the death or institutionalization of one or both of us.

But let's back up the calendar just a touch to Friday. Friday was my birthday, and with my impending vacation quickly approaching, I was in a pretty good mood. I got home to find a package waiting on me. Now, as my age keeps needing increasingly complex combinations of roman numerals, I no longer expect to receive gifts on my birthday, but it's still awesome to get one. My in-laws (who I absolutely adore) sent me a wonderful new kitchen apparatus. Because I love to cook, very often their gifts to me involve food in some fashion. Keep it up guys! I love food-themed fun-li-ness. This year, I got a massive 20" x 14" carving board. Not a cutting board mind you. This thing has way more important uses than chopping veggies.




What's that sitting on top of the microwave?



Still can't quite make it out. What's that say?



That's right. SPIKED carving board.



The six metal "meat spikes" hold the meat in place while I cut the little piggies/chickens/cows/baby seals/children to pieces.



Scary huh? these should teach the neighbor kids not to make too much noise after ten.



Here I am getting out my wonderful Wusthof (Pay attention out there anyone who still wants to send me a gift.... Wusthof Classic) carving kit. I love my life sometimes.



Mwahahahah!



Here I am taking the chick off my Drunken Chicken Roasting pan. A gift from my sister. I don't generally buy stuff for the kitchen for myself. Again... Wusthof Classic.



You like the spikes chicken????



Just kidding, I don't care if you like them.



Impaled chicken. A funny phrase in any context.



I had to have at least one picture of me actually cutting the chicken.



In addition to the meat spikes, this baby also has "sloped juice channels". Awesome.



Gravy Fixins! Not that I actually made gravy last night, but you get the point.

Thank you in-laws so much for my new Carving Board. I will get a lot of use out of it. Once again you have managed to get me a gift that I am excited about, and is practical. I love both of you and hope to see you very soon.

Money

Joanna and I just met with a financial planner to see if we can qualify for a home loan! Scary but fun.

Apartment life

Just got word that our apartment complex wants to jack our rent up by $240/month. Did the apartment suddenly get bigger? Did a washer and dryer suddenly appear in the apartment? How does one justify that much of an increase? Damn you Debt! If it wasn't for you I would be buying a house right now!

How Bacon broke my heart and ruined my day.

I love pork. All kinds of pork. Of all the meat out there, the one that I could never give up is pork. And when it comes to pork, there is no form that it is more appealing in, than bacon.

Now bacon (or bahkyonee as Jamie loves to hear it pronounced) is something that is very near-and-dear to my heart and I don't just mean all the cholesterol. I've always felt that it was perfect. It is, after all, the food that makes all other food better. Don't believe me? Have you ever had a lettuce and tomato sandwich? No. Because that would be fucking boring. Slap some bacon on it though, and it's delicious! Want some eggs for breakfast? No? How about bacon and eggs? And if you even offer me a club sandwich (not to be confused with Joanna's christmas club sandwich) without bacon on it you are in for a half hour tirade about how, by definition, a club sandwich has bacon on it.

Now, my love affair with bacon can probably be traced back to my childhood. Whenever we would visit my maternal grandparents in the deep hills (suburbs) of Chattanooga, TN, my grandfather would wake up earlier than anyone else just so he could attempt to cook bacon and sausage faster than I could eat it. I was 4. He never succeeded. I think the frustration of it all might be what killed him, but I digress.

Flash forward about a dozen years or so and I met the girl who eventually became my wife. The first time I had breakfast with her and her family (all proper meat lovers like me) and I saw her dredge her bacon through maple syrup I was appalled. I remember thinking "Sweet bacon?!?! Only if it's also smothered in course black pepper!" but I kept my mouth shut as she was my ride home.

Today my world changed and the spell might just be broken. Joanna and I went to a restaurant that opened up across from where I work and I ordered a burger with guacamole, green chilies, sour cream (?) and of course, my beloved bacon. The food got to the table, I took a bite, and was immediately grossed out. I knew the problem was that there was something sweet on my burger that was just out of place. At first I figured it was the sour cream, because really, who puts sour cream on a hamburger? But that wasn't it. Guacamole? Nope. That tasted just fine. Maybe they are using sweet green chilies....well they're actually a little spicy. So after deciding that I wasn't going to be able to eat the burger, I figured I would just eat the bacon off of it and be done. And then I was horrified. What if, it was the bacon that was in fact the problem? I tentatively took a nibble of one of the pieces only to make a terrifying discovery: Maple. Smoked. Bacon. I told Joanna, she reached across the table to try a piece of my bacon and she said it was yummy. Well that settled that. If Joanna likes this bacon it must be bad. I pulled all the rest off my burger and suddenly, it became tolerable. How on earth do you manage to turn bacon into the worst part of the meal? Ugh. I am never eating there again.

New Year

Everybody makes resolutions. Usually it's something grand like "I'm gonna start going to the gym" or "I'm gonna quit smoking" or "I'm gonna stop killing hookers and dumping their bodies in such and such lake". I've decided to keep it simple this year. Nothing too grand but large enough that I will feel a sense of accomplishment once completed.

Now, since I stopped smoking before the holiday season was upon us, I don't think that qualifies as a resolution, but I did stop smoking and that's something. I say "stopped" smoking because "quit" implies permanence, and I've stopped smoking before and we've all seen how that worked out. I'll let you know whether or not I've quit when I die.

When we moved here, I started working at Best Buy again as something to do until I found something better. However, once I had the job, I immediately fell into complacency about work and then stopped looking for better work. So by the end of this year, I resolve to be making at least 50% more than I am currently making. Gotta pay them bills after all!

Finally, I decided I would stop taking my health for granted. I pay a not-so-tiny amount out of every paycheck for health, dental, and vision insurance and I never go to any of the appropriate doctors to take advantage of said services. That ends this year. I got sick with some strain of flu (I'm calling it Death Flu) at the beginning of the year, so I went to the doctor, got medicine, and recovered much more quickly than I would have without the miracle of modern pharmaceuticals. I will be making an appointment with the dentist in April (after I have changed my dental plan to the more comprehensive coverage cause I'm gonna need a lot of work) and will go to the dentist for the first time in roughly 18 years. As for the vision, well, I went to the eye doctor already and I believe that deserves its own paragraph because I would like to go into detail about the experience.

So....

Joanna told me a few weeks ago that she wanted to go to the eye doctor and get her eyes done so she could get a new prescription for her contacts while we were still on this year and then get a new pair of glasses against next year's premium or whatever. This was right about the same time that I started noticing that I was having difficulty reading the smaller numbers on the higher TV tags along the wall there at work, so I printed off all the pertinent information, handed it to Joanna and asked her that if when she made her appointment, could she make one for me as well. So I went to the eye doctor for the first time since I was a kid. I got there and filled out all those wonderful "first time patient" forms, and then proceeded to get my preliminary exams done by Adam. Adam looked like he was about 16 years old, and it was actually a little off-putting to have my exam done by one so young, but he knew how to use all the fancy machines and I don't, so he won that round. Then it was on to the actual doctor. Doctor Lady Person told me that though I do have really good vision, it looks like my eyes are having some problems with seeing things that are farther away and she detected an astigmatism that could account for my dizzy spells, and the fact that sometimes things look just a little off. The glasses she prescribed are more for allowing my eyes to keep from working so hard (thus hopefully eliminating random headaches) and improving my over-all quality of vision back to what it should be. So far, so good, but now it's time to pick out my very first pair of glasses! Now, their selection was not exactly bountiful, but whatever, I didn't figure on making a fashion statement with these, I just want to have something that helps me. I go over to the cases where they keep the men's frames, the office worker person shows me how to open the drawer, and walks away to let me pick out my new glasses. I may not be the best person in the world to give advice on how one should give the best customer service, but I do know if someone has absolutely no idea what they're doing, you might want to hang out and give them a hand. I picked out the frames that I liked, handed them to Little Miss Not Helpful at All and told her, "I guess I'll take these". She told me that she would send them off to the lab and they should be ready in 7 to 10 business days but with the holiday, it might be closer to 10. Fair enough, Lens Crafters could have them to me in an hour, and they would probably have helped me pick them out, but whatever. So being the kind of person that I am, I called them on the seventh business day as a follow-up. The unhelpful office shrew answers the phone and when I ask her about my glasses she says (in a manner that made me almost feel bad for bothering her) "It will take 10 to 14 business days for them to be finished and we will call you when they get here". Wow. Really? You're gonna act like I'm hassling you about something that there is really no excuse for taking so long? You madam, are a bitch. So I give it a few more days and give them a call on business day number 11. Adam answers the phone. I asked him if my glasses have come in and he says he just walked in the door but he will look for them if I can hold. I can hold, so I say that's fine and he's back on the phone in 30 seconds and says that they did indeed come in first thing that morning. This call took place at 2:30 in the afternoon. Guess who had been working that morning when they came in and did not call? Anyway, I put my glasses on and Shrew tells me not to where them while driving for the first few days as they will take some getting used to, but to otherwise enjoy! "I DON"T KNOW HOW THESE FUCKING THINGS ARE SUPPOSED TO FIT WOMAN!!!!" All the help you're going to offer me is "Don't where them while driving"? At this point I was so furious about the complete and total lack of customer service that I just took my glasses and left. Now that I've had them on a few days, I have a better idea of how I want them to fit but the thought of going back there and trying to get Shrew to adjust them is actually causing me anxiety. Ugh. But anyway, here's some pictures:

Here I am!



Now when I ponder things, I look way more intelligent.



Once I realized that the ear pieces of the glasses were just making the hair around my ears look even shaggier, I decided it was haircut time. Since I am broke, that meant it was time to bust out the clippers!