Dear Colorado,

I know it has been just a short while in the grand scheme of things (1 Year almost to the day) but there is something you just have to know.

I am madly, head-over-heals in love with you.

I always suspected the John Denver song Rocky Mountain High had more to do with something nefarious than it did with cold mountain air. I was wrong. You have absolutely infected me and I could not be happier about it.

Every day, I wake up and go outside. I don't care how cold it is, it is the first thing I want to do in the morning. I then go about my day. At some point over the course of my day, I will see the mountains. Every day. Truly awesome. Whenever I see those mountains I can't help but think "I live here" usually followed by an occasionally audible cackle of glee.

You have an effect on me that no other place I've ever lived has had on me. I am happy. Now, I've lived in a lot of places other than just you Colorado. I've moved a lot. Just for the folks at home keeping score (also read: my mother-in-law who will probably put this list in a scrapbook page some day) let's recap shall we?

• 1977: born in Chattanooga, TN
• 1978ish: moved as infant with family to Atlanta, GA
• 1985ish: returned to Chattanooga, TN with mom when my parents divorced
• 1991: another move to Atlanta, GA this time by myself on account of the fact that I was a general prick and more of a problem than my mother could handle, so off to my dad's place I went.
• 1994: Things got a little out of hand in Atlanta, so everyone decided it would be a wonderful idea for all parties involved if I go to live with my mother again, who had recently relocated to Stillwater, OK. Seriously.
  
• 1999: my dad offered me a job and I moved back to Atlanta, GA.
• 2000: the job did not work out so great. Hence, returned to Stillwater, OK.
• 2000: 1. Got married. 2. Moved to Dallas, TX. One of these things I'm glad I did.
• 2010: finally made it to Denver, CO

Now, as you can see, I've been around. I'm not afraid to say "This place sucks. I hate it here." and then simply make the choice to stop being in the place that I hate. But you took me aback. That's right. Aback.

Everywhere else I've lived before I've always had the sense of just living there until something else happened that would prompt me to pack up and move. Here. I hope that day never comes. I am so sublimely happy that as I sit here in my apartment with all the windows open letting the breeze come sweeping across my back while I'm typing this, I can't even find proper words to describe it. Bliss maybe?

I am home.

Let's be Best Friends Colorado!

Customers.

A fat woman came into the shoe store today....

Wait, that was somebody else. My customer story is a little broader. Heh.

A customer came in today looking for a VCR. Not the DVD/VCR combos we still carry for another six months or so mind you, a VCR. Now, I showed him the little combo thingies we had and Customer X said he wasn't interested. He only wanted a stand-alone VCR. Fucking really?!?!?

VHS is a format that was dead 10 YEARS AGO!!!!! What could you have that's possibly interesting enough to still watch on VHS after all that time? Game film of your high school football team that you were obviously the aide or perhaps water boy? No one cares anymore. Get a life fucko. Family movies of the kids when they were little? Fat chance! This guy was so morbidly obese that even if he could find his reproductive organs, the chance of his being able to copulate with a woman (assuming he could find a willing one) is nil. What's that you say sir? You have all the Oscar ceremonies since 1982 recorded? Well, if that's your idea of entertainment, sitting in your grease-stained recliner watching Nick Cage's acceptance speech for Moonstruck (ugh) with a bowl of fritos, yelling at your mother for buying the off-brand bean dip cause it was 17 cents cheaper than Frito-Lay all the while wondering why the girl who rang you up at Target hasn't called you yet after you gave her ALL your numbers then I'm afraid you have no choice but to kill yourself. Your life is just too sad for it to continue.

I know lots of people who work retail and have bad customers, but it seems like the crazies always seek me out. This guy actually had the nerve to say to me that DVD was just a fad, and that VHS was the better of the two options. Well, DVD is getting replaced by Blu-ray, so I guess he's partially correct.

Why doesn't the world die?

YAWN!!!!!

Much like a great grizzly bear coming out of a long, winter hibernation, so too does this mighty Man of Majesty (Too much? It really helps to imagine it being read by David Attenborough) raise his head and purvey his surroundings in contemplation of the coming spring.

Hello!

I know it's been a long time since I've posted, but I've kind of been just getting through each day without much to say. But that all changes pretty soon.

We spent the winter with just one vehicle, and it worked out pretty well. But when the wife got herself a full-time jobby-job, I started having to walk to work. Which was not so bad really, it just ate up a lot of my day since I had to leave a little earlier every day. But with spring fast approaching, it's almost time for the resumption of eXtreme outdoor activities and that means the Hyundai was going to be put through a little more than it was designed for. So I went ahead and sold some stock, and bought myself a Colorado appropriate vehicle!

I got a '93 Jeep Grand Cherokee Laredo. It's gonna be a gas guzzler I know, but I drive 4 miles round trip every day so I think I can manage it.



It's Red! I'm also amused because there is another SUV in the spot 1 over from mine, which you can kind of see through the window. But it's just tiny by comparison.



The body and paint are in excellent shape.



I do like a nice rear end.



Sexy. But what do you think? I'm thinking maybe some nerf bars or some such thing, and definitely some rain shields for the windows. The windows, by the way, are tinted. Teeheehee.



I have been told that a Grille guard puts too much weight on the front end by someone much wiser in these things than I, but the front definitely needs something to make it look more eXtreme! I just don't know what to do. I think it's already wired for fog lights, but I'm not sure. There is a switch on the mirror for them.



It has a roof rack, but I kinda want to replace that with a different one. Maybe something with K. C. Lights on it.



Aww yeah. Full time baby!



Power to spare. Also, gas consumption. It's a trade-off.



Look at all that cargo room. A spare tire, which wasn't included, will soon occupy some of it though.



Got about another year left on these. Then.... upgrade!

So once all the piddly repair work is done (still under budget!!) and I have done a couple of things like add a radio, and a new alarm system with remote start, I should have a properly eXtreme vehicle. It's been a long time since I've been behind the wheel of a 4x4, and this is the first one I've owned myself. The thing I'm most excited about, is the fact that I live in a place that you never have to worry about getting a 4x4, and never getting any use out of it. In Dallas, people would get their fancy 4wd trucks, and then never take them off-road. Here, even if I never take it off-road (which, let's be honest here, of course I will) in the winters I am guaranteed to get use out of it cause it snows.

Also, it needs a name. Discuss.

Snow!

So....

My wonderful wife has already posted about the wonderful snow we've gotten at our wonderful home here in wonderful Colorado. I just wanted to toss out my observations about the wonderful event.

I was born in Tennessee. Not in the mountains mind you, but in the Chattanooga area. We got snow on occasion, but usually just a dusting while the mountains around us got the heavy stuff. We used to have this little penguin that would come on the news called "Snow Bird" to let us know when school was out. The rule was, when one school in the county was out, all schools in the county were out. Which was fine by us because one of the schools in our county was at the top of Signal Mountain so, very often in the winter, we would get a snow day when there wasn't even a flake on the ground in our area. So to me, snow was just this thing that got you out of school for no reason.

Ahh, Atlanta. I also did some of my childhood years here.Though snow would happen every now and then, we generally got ice storms in the winter. There was much made about these ice storms because they usually shut down power to the city and if you wanted to go anywhere, you had to spend about an hour scraping ice off your car, hoping you could get out of your driveway onto the roads that were never properly salted/sanded/whatever the hell they're supposed to do with icy roads, all the while, not getting hit by the few idiots that treated the day like it was any other day and trying to do 90 on I-75. I'm pretty sure these idiots were actually from Texas, but more on that later.

Then I got to live in Oklahoma! You're jealous right? Well, I actually liked it. There was even a couple of inches of snow accumulation every year (usually during spring break) and was my first taste of "real" snow outside of the time I tried to ski in West Virginia. I snow plow like no other. The snow in Oklahoma is generally mixed with a lot of rain so it turns into slush very quickly. You don't have to worry about the idiots on the road, cause it appears that they all seem to have some knowledge of how to drive in snow and ice. Or they could be like this one guy I know (you know who you are) and are constantly prepared for any and all eventualities. "I just happen to have snow chains/spare trailer lights/emergency raft/portable nuclear fallout shelter right here!" I love my family.

Cut to Dallas, TX. Where I was back to ice storms and idiots. A lot more idiots though. Where the misplaced State-riotism and Texas-sized ego in thinking "Texans can handle anything" lends to the most spectacular bad decisions during "extreme" weather. I mean, I grew up with ice storms. You use caution in doing all things because Ice changes everything. But these Texans, just another day as far as they're concerned. And they make mistakes. Lots of them. A little ice on the roads shuts the city down despite their bravado. And the entire time I lived there, it was never that bad. We got snow on Valentine's day one year, and the kids in our apartment complex went fucking insane. They decided they were going to build a snowman right below our balcony. Which was great for me because I am oh-so-terribly fond of the children. But I did have to laugh when they rather suddenly discovered that the area they were rolling the bottom tier of the snowman in, was the same area as the neighborhood dogs used to evacuate their bowels. Priceless look on the children's faces. I didn't see them again for the rest of the day.

Now, in Colorado, I get a completely different kind of snow. This fluffy white stuff is gorgeous. I didn't even realize snow could be like this. We went to run some errands yesterday, and we just brushed the snow off the car. There was no scraping. There was no ice on the wiper blades rendering them useless. Just fluffy, pretty loveliness that was only a slight inconvenience. When I was laughing about how nice my summer was temperature-wise, all my Dallas friends told me to "just wait until it snows. We'll see who's laughing then." Well guess what Texans: It snowed. Over a foot deep and it ain't done yet. I am still fucking laughing. I love it here. It definitely does not suck.

And now, some pictures!

The view from our balcony:










Our "Front" stairs:


Pretty tree on our way to do some shopping at the stores that were close enough to walk to.


My old floppy hat and puffy coat just can't stand up to this CO weather.




I just don't know if it's me...


The wife looks stylin!


Um... Plaid? Really?











I bought a proper winter coat at one of those close-by stores.


On the way home, The wife decided we should cut through this field...


...where the snow was pretty deep.


"I don't think we should cut through there honey." I say.


"It will be fun. We'll do it together!" she says.


I fell.


This is me indignantly stomping away while she laughs.


More trees outside our apartment.




Our car with snow on it.


Tee-hee!


A nice cross section of snow on top of the car to give you an idea of how much was coming down. This was taken at about 3:00 in the afternoon yesterday. It's about 9 a.m. now, and it's still snowing.

By Popular Demand

So......

Here I am at my computer again. Writing another blog so that the in-firmed have something to read. I have something I actually want to talk about so here we go!

Why is it so difficult for some people to follow the rules?

With a couple of notable exceptions, I have always been a rule follower. Whether it be traffic laws, the general rules of dating when I was much younger, Doctors' orders, or even the rules about what to, and more importantly not to put in the microwave, I have always been a little bit of a stickler for the rules. While I will admit to a willingness to bend these rules to suit me (sometimes in a pretzel-like fashion) I very rarely broke them. When I did break them, I usually had the good sense to create a secondary set of rules to protect me from any consequences of breaking the primary ones.

Now, I know breaking the rules can be fun. And sometimes, you just have to break the rules. It's a compulsion. Sometimes you just have to beat your chest and prove your dominance over the ones who set the rules in the first place. But in such cases, I have a rule of my own that dictates when it is, or is not appropriate to prove one's Alpha-Ness: Does the person who made this rule know better than me?

I see it at work all the time. People flaunting their rule-braking ways to show off how cool they think they are when really, they might just be acting a little stupid. For instance: we have a machine at work called "Big Joe" (I shit you not) and it's one of those big, elevator platform thingies to get televisions and what not down from where they rest in high places around the store. Now, whenever you're using said machine, you have to have the chains on the platform in place, you have to have your safety harness around your waist, and you have to have a spotter on the floor to make sure that you don't kill any toddlers when you come back down. (Stupid lawsuits) I follow all these rules because they just make sense. But I regularly see people every day breaking one or more of these safety rules. Why? Does it really set you up as a badass rebel to put yourself and any people around you in danger? Don't you think that the person who made up these rules knew better than you? Let's face it: Most of us are pretty fucking stupid. I'm always going to trust that someone who deals with safety protocols, went to medical school, or had any specific training for their field knows more about that field than I do. Ergo do what they say and don't rock the fucking boat!

Camping Trip

So.......

I just got back from my very first camping trip. And before I get to telling you all about the trip, I just wanted to touch on something.

As I have mentioned, this is my very first real camping trip. The closest I have come to camping before this was getting about an hour's worth of sleep the night before a large music festival. It was in the parking lot of the Texas Motor Speedway and it was in a tent, but it was an hour people. Now when I have told people in the past that I had never been camping, the response was always one of total shock. "What?!?! You have never been camping?!?!?" is the response I almost always got. Then, the person I was talking to would talk all about how great it was, and I had to do it once just to be able to say I had no interest in it. (I've never bungie jumped, strangled myself while masturbating, or killed another human being either, but I'm pretty sure I don't have to try them to make sure I have no interest in doing these things.....or do I?) So my trip this week was almost more about shutting these people up than actually getting out and enjoying nature. I've been now. And guess what? It was alright. Nothing to get too excited about mind you, but reasonably fun and I wouldn't be at all opposed to doing it again. The thing I find amusing is that people got so worked up about the fact that I had never been. As if it was some life-changing event that all people must go through. But really? It wasn't much different than being at home. Just more nature. And fuck nature. I love being outdoors, I just wish it didn't have so much nature. Trees, foliage of all kinds really, mountains, these are things I love. Also, building up a fire is pretty cool. But you can have bugs, snakes, and the persistent threat of wild animal attacks. I mean, I'm no dummy. Despite the wife's objections, when camping or doing any deep-woods hiking, I insist on being....prepared (Douglas knows of what I speak) to deal with these things. But I could avoid these things all together by looking at the trees in my apartment complex, walking to the end of my block and looking at the mountains, or building a tiny little fire in my fireplace:



The shoe is in there for scale. It's a size 11 1/2. When I say tiny fire, I mean tiny fire.

But with my griping aside, I still had a great time! Let me tell you about it:

We started out loading more than I can think any 2 people could use over the course of 24 hours into our car. We then drove for about forever to the tiny little campground at Belair Lake, northwest of Fort Collins, CO. There was only one other camper in the "No RV" section, so we were pretty content with the spot that we picked out. (When I say we, I mean the wife of course) We proceeded to pitch the tent (which until that moment, I had only done with a sheet, and usually first thing in the morning) which I insisted on doing myself with just questions being answered by the wife. Eventually, the wife grew tired of my not doing it just right, and jumped in to help, but I managed to get it done mostly solo.







Real roughing it calls for a king-size air mattress filling the floor of the tent.

Then we decided we would go for a quick hike where we saw many cool things. First, there was this mega-sweet view that we would re-visit later:





I'm very excited.

We found a lake:







Then, I decided I would try my hand at rock climbing:



I'm so Xtreme!

Sittin on a log.

Here I am traipsing through the "wilds":




She's getting pretty good at taking those pictures of the 2 of us. Even if it does usually take her about 10 tries.

Then it was decided that it was time to gather firewood for our evening cookout and morning coffee. As the entire area had recently been ravaged by pine beetles, there was plenty of wood to go around (even though we did have to chop some of it off of fallen trees) and very soon we had a very nice collection of combustion fuel. This is when I got to truly shine, for I am the Master of Fire!







Gettin it ready!







After the fire was set up, I figured I'd teach the wife how to play Backgammon. Fucking beginner's luck!



Dinner Time!

Being my first outing into the world of camping, we decided to go pretty simple with the food. All we did, were some Hebrew National Hot dogs, and some foil packed diced potatoes, garlic, and butter. Yummy!





Now, you may have noticed that I threw the ol' Under-Armour on. The temperature was steadily dropping and by the time the sun went down things were getting pretty chilly.

Here's the aforementioned view revisited:





As you can imagine, as the temperature was dropping, my masterfully built fire was more and more important:







The we were off to bed! I wiggled into my brand-new sleeping bag to pose for some photos for the wife:





We were going to get in some quality tent-snuggles, but the cold just kept making us laugh:



So this is what our tent snuggles looked like:



Then in the morning it was time to make a new fire so that we could have coffee. But it was cold!

Does this Balaclava make me look fat?

Finally! Coffee!



After breaking down the camp it was time to get in the car and go home:

Don't I look happy?